A Feast For A Fatty

Well, well, well. I knew I would hear about Donna Simpson again and I figured that it would be pretty soon, but I just didn't think that it would be in this fashion. I figured the next I hear, she would have been dead as a door nail. But that wasn't the case. Yet. Ms. Simpson, as you may or may not care to remember, is on a quest to become the world's fattest woman. That's right. She wants to be super, duper fat. Her goal is to reach 1,000 pounds. And not only is she is well on her way, but she's a whole heck of a lot closer thanks to her Christmas feast which she enjoyed just the other day.

Ms. Simpson, all five feet, two inches of her, defended what she ate for Christmas dinner by telling The Daily Mail, "'I eat as much as I want, whenever I want but at this time of year I really go all out. Christmas should give you carte blanche to do whatever you want." Interesting philosophy you have there, Jabba. See, I don't think that there are any days where you get to do "whatever you want". Seems sort of like an anarchist's guide to denial. Let's see if she says anything else to solidify that theory. "Donna, who insists she is healthy, told the Sunday Mirror: 'People who feel guilty about eating are hilarious." Let's see...five foot, two inches...648 pounds...yeah, you sound real healthy there, cupcake. I guess it's your abundance of health that is the reason that you need a Rascal to get around since you can't walk under your own power. You're barely ambulatory and you can roll there and say that you're healthy? I think you're the one who's hilarious.

I also think that she's the one who is gluttonous. Shall we take a gander at her Christmas feast? I think we shall. (By the way, if you're wondering how she pays for all of this food, you're going to be sorry that you ever wondered anything remotely like that at all when I tell you that she "...makes a living from being fat, getting paid to make public appearances and keeping a website where people can pay to watch her eat." See? Sorry.)

Two 25lb turkeys
Two maple-glazed hams
15lbs of potatoes (10lbs roast, 5lbs mashed)
Five loaves of bread
Five pounds of herb stuffing
Four pints of gravy (that's half a gallon!)
Four pints of cranberry dressing
5 lbs of chopped carrots
5 lbs of sweet corn
5 lbs of butternut squash
1 tray of mixed green salad including salad dressing
And a 'salad' made of marshmallow, cream cheese, whipped cream and cookies.

Holy. Crap.

The Daily Mail estimates that the caloric intake of her gastronomic gluttony is about 30,000 calories. That's about 2 weeks worth of food there for a regular person, strictly speaking calorie-wise, of course. It's also right around the caloric intake of all of the animals during feeding time at the zoo. While I assume that her enabling boyfriend cooked all of this for her, my question is where did he cook it all? Did he get it all pre-made? He'd probably have to. I wonder if he rented a wheelbarrow or a forklift to get it all in the house.

The thing that bothers me about this situation, other than the fact that it's incredibly disgusting and beyond selfish, is that this woman (and I use that term loosely, as I'm pretty sure that any gender that she might have been born with is fairly obsolete and irrelevant at this point) has children. She has a 14-year old son and a 3-year old daughter. She's going to kill herself with her carte blanche on life and they are going to be without a mother. Real nice, there. Too bad that her philosophy couldn't have included being a responsible parent to her children.

A Festivus For Anyone

I'm not really a proponent of giving inmates behind bars a bunch of privileges. I'm more in favor of hard labor. Chain gangs, to be precise. I think we could get a lot of stuff done with inmate labor. If nothing else, I'm at least in favor of having them crush up big rocks into little rocks, complete with that big heavy ball chained to one leg. It'd give a nice old-timey feel to incarceration! So, given my outlook on the coddling of inmates, you can imagine that I built up a full head of steam after reading that one inmate managed to get special meals because of his religious beliefs. And before you go off telling me that they're allowed special diets for religious reasons, let me tell you that his "religious belief" was Festivus. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to my local San Jose Mercury News, a one Malcolm Alarmo King (Alarmo? Really? Is he supposed to be some sort of superhero?), currently behind bars at the Theo Lacy Jail down there in Orange County, was not a big fan of salami. (I'm merely guessing that the meals were heavy on the salami, as that's the only basis that the article gives for what transpired next.) He had originally "...asked for kosher meals at the Theo Lacy jail to maintain his healthy physique." Yep. One must be in tip-top shape to prepare for all of the drug dealing that they do when they're not behind bars, don't you know?

But, alas! His kosher meals were not to be, for simply wanting to be healthy, as "...sheriff's officials reserve kosher meals for inmates with a religious need." Now, apparently, this sort of thing has to be OK'ed be a judge. The judge that was apparently involved in this instance was a one Judge Derek G. Johnson and he "...demanded a religious reason for King to receive the meals and defense attorney Fred Thiagarajah cited his client's devotion to Festivus". Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Just in case you were living under a rock during most of the 1990s, allow me to explain Festivus to you. It derives from the TV show "Seinfeld". According to Wikipedia, it was a holiday that Frank Costanza invented "...as an alternative holiday in response to the commercialization of Christmas." Sure. That seems reasonable.

Festivus doesn't have a tree. Instead, there is simply an unadorned aluminum pole (Frank found tinsel to be distracting). According to Frank, the aluminum provides a "Very high strength-to-weight ratio", an important factor to consider when choosing any holiday centerpiece. Some Festivus traditions include "Airing of Grievances," where one lashes out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year, and the "Feats of Strength" where "...the head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match." My point with all of this being is that it sounds absolutely ridiculous. It also sounds just like something that would have been made up by someone.

Unfortunately, the judge didn't seem to see it that way. Nope. He saw celebrating Festivus as a perfectly legitimate claim and granted the inmates request. This went on for two months before "...the sheriff's food services staff, who interviews those needing special diets, realized Festivus sounded phony." Good Lord. It took the food services staff to figure this farce out?! I'm not trying to belittle anyone with this next question, but what is their highest level of achieved education as compared to that of the freaking judge who gave this thing the green light?!

What was that judge thinking? Even if he hadn't heard of the Seinfeld episode, wouldn't you think that if he heard "Festivus" that he might ask something to the effect of "What the hell are you talking about?" Apparently not. And that's why an inmate got kosher meals for two months that the taxpayers footed the bill for. Now...where do I air my grievances?