Those Don't Go In There

Just because you can do something with your body, that certainly doesn't mean that you should. In fact, I'm going to come out against most things that you can do with your body. I'm going to come out vehemently against using your body as some sort of a storage unit/hidey hole for foreign objects in a last ditch effort to avoid getting in even more trouble.

You can tell where this is going, right? According to the news source for lovely Scranton, Pennsylvania, thetimes-tribune.com tells us the story of a one 27-year old (and old enough to know better) Karin Mackaliunas. She was apparently at the scene of some sort of automobile crash when the car was being towed. (It is unclear to me if she owned the vehicle or had anything to do with the vehicle because the media sucks and this is a poorly written article that I'm attempting to work off of here. Bear with me. These really aren't overly important details to the gist of the tale, but it does irritate the crap out of me that they're not there.) And for some reason, an officer asked for Ms. Mackaliunas "...to be detained because she was suspected of stealing items from the inn." What inn, you ask? How the heck should I know? The media sucks, remember?

She was detained and the cop found three bags of heroin in her pocket. (That gives me a pretty good idea of why she was suspected of wrongdoing in the first place. Folks that go around with heroin in their pockets are the type of folks who you would think stole everything from the inn, including the manger out back.) She gets arrested and gets driven back to the police station. It was on that ride back that the officer noticed that our heroin enthusiast was a little fidgety.

They get back to headquarters and some sort of a struggle ensues between this young lady and the arresting officer. It's unclear as to why there was a struggle. What is clear is that at some point "...Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina." Of course.

The vagina is not a reasonable method of transporting drugs. It's also not a reasonable method of transporting other items as well. After a search by a doctor at Community Medical Center, it was discovered that this woman was also storing "54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22." Wait. What now?

That's right. She practically had an entire freaking CVS Pharmacy up her hoo-ha. What. The. Hell. And look, I can sort of understand the drugs. And I can sort of understand the drug bags. (You have to be prepared to bag up the new drugs that you get. And what better receptacle to put your drugs in than a bag that has been sitting in a woman's vagina for God knows how long. Ewww. Don't do drugs, kids. And for God's sake, don't do any that came out of someone's vagina.) And I guess I can understand the 8.5 prescription pills. But for the love of all that is rational, I cannot fathom why she would shove fifty one dollars and change up there! Why the change?! What were you afraid of, cupcake? My God! Do you realize how much stuff that IS? If you don't, I have prepared this handy graphic to help you visualize this scenario. Behold!

Shocking, is it not? And as surprised as I am that she shoved all of that up there, I'm also surprised that it stayed up there. I mean, seriously. Without going into overtly graphic detail, if you have the square footage to cram all of those wares in there, I'm guessing that the front door isn't all that secure. You follow me? Good, because I don't want to have to explain that it must be like those swinging doors you see in the old timey saloons. Flappin' back and forth after a patron enters the bar. Wow. I think I just grossed myself out with that visual I just provided. Yep. I certainly did.

One final note here. If you're someone who enjoys doing drugs, any drugs, and someone offers you drugs that she has just pulled out of her vagina, you need to take a good hard look at your priorities in life if you're going to consider doing those drugs. Seriously. And take your time.

First Bad Tattoo Of 2011

That didn't take long. We have our first idiotic tattoo/amusing mugshot of 2011 already! I know! Can you believe it? Well, when you consider that the perpetrator in this instance has already been arrested over fifty times, it's really not that hard to believe after all. (It's also not hard to believe that we don't get any explanation as to why this guy has been arrested over 50 times and is still out and about. But that's because the media still sucks just the same in 2011 as it did in 2010. I'm glad that we didn't have to get more than three days into the new year before that was apparent.)

It's your typical unnecessary death due to an idiot. From CNYCentral.com we learn a couple of things. One of the things that we learn is that they need a better copy editor over there, as the address in the story is first reported as 1315 North Salina Street and is later, in the same article, reported as 1513 North Salina Street. But the other stuff we learn is that there was a party and some people got into a fight and one of the people decided to get all stabby on the other guy and killed him. Real nice.

The only good that can possibly come from something like this is that the scumbag who did this will (hopefully) finally be off the streets for good. Why someone who has been arrested over fifty times is still freely wandering about is beyond me. The only other good that I can think of is that we can make fun of him in his mugshot and his stupid, stupid tattoo. Behold!

That is a one asshat Malcolm Dame. Are we surprised that he's wearing a s***-eating grin on his face? Are we surprised that he's wearing a wife beater tank top? Are we surprised that he has a tattoo that says "Only God Can Judge Me"? I don't think that we're surprised at any of that. (OK, I'm a little surprised that his tattoo runs perfectly along the neck of the wife beater. You can't tell me that wasn't planned out that way.) But I do think that he will be a little surprised when he finds out that it isn't just God that can judge him.

This Stuff Writes Itself

Sometimes, I read stuff that will practically write itself on this blog. Today was no exception. I read this little gem over at Roanoke.com: "A man who hung his GED certificate above his methamphetamine-cooking rig, then fled police by taking to the woods with a tent and a bowl of macaroni and cheese, pleaded guilty today to charges that could send him to prison for years." Seriously, does it get much easier than that? Not by a lot it doesn't.

Here's the scoop: A one 29-year old and old enough to know better John Thomas Nelon Jr., had been making meth in his garage. That alone shows he's not all that bright to begin with. And when police received tips and conducted a search back in May, this genius left little doubt as to who the police were looking for. That's because this proud, proud scholar had conveniently hung his freaking GED certificate on the wall directly above his meth making contraption. (Is it a contraption? Or a process? I'm a little unclear on all of the particulars of the methamphetamine-production-out-of-your-garage gig.) And by the way, he looks just about like you'd expect him to look. That's him over there on the right.

Wow. 29 years old and proudly displaying your GED. I wonder when he got it? Being as how it was so prominently displayed, I would just gather he's a recent recipient of said GED. I can't figure why you'd put something like that above your meth maker. (That's what I'm going to call it since I don't know what it is.) Maybe he was doing it to impress his girlfriend. Because, you know, girls who are only fifteen are quite impressionable. Wait. What?

Correct. He has a fifteen year old girlfriend. Nice life she's living there, eh? I wonder what her story is. Actually, I can kind of probably guess what her story is and my guess would be sad. There didn't seem to be any charges relating to his having a 15-year old girlfriend, so I guess that sort of thing is just fine and dandy in Virginia. I mean, he basically admitted, by pleading guilty, that he had "...manufactured meth and that he did so in the presence of a minor." I had not idea that was even a charge. What about the other things he probably did with said minor? Y'all don't have anything for that?

Apparently, after Einstein made a break for the woods with his tent and his trusty bowl of mac n' cheese, he relied upon said girlfriend to resupply him. And with her being about as smart as he was, she apparently did not notice (or didn't even consider the possibility) that she was being watched by officers when she trotted back into the woods with...I don't know what. More mac n' cheese? Some Spaghettios, perhaps? When officers went in to apprehend him, "Nelon tried to run, but he did not outrun the police dog". I wonder what he took with him during his run that time? His peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

See, I never understand what these folks who run from the authorities are thinking is going to happen. Did he really think that his ingenious plan of fleeing into the nearby woods with A tent and A bowl of macaroni and cheese was going to help him foil a fleet of cops that were going to be looking for him? Was he hoping they were just going to give up like it was a game of Hide and Seek? Did he really think that this was going to help him in any way? He must have, but I just don't get that way of thinking. Then again, I fancy myself a tad more intelligent that a carrot, which might be a little too generous of a vegetable to compare Mr. Nelon to.

When in court, after a description of what went down was presented, "Nelon chuckled at (the) account and told the judge he did not dispute it." Even he knows how ridiculous he was! And I'll be that the wasn't the only one in that courtroom laughing. What a maroon.

Hardly A Spree

We have a winner! Yep, with only a little over a month left to go in the year, I think we have a winner for Mugshot of the Year. Sure, there have been a lot of notable ones up to this point, but I really think this guy is going to be hard to top. Behold!

Yep. There you have it. Did I tell you? It's a winner. Apparently, the chap in that photo is a one Mark Siebenmorgen and according to the news footage over there at KATU (that's in Portland, Oregon), he "...went on a one-man crime spree last month in Milwaukie and when they caught him he graced them with this priceless look for his mug shot." Huh. Crime spree, eh? Like what kind of a crime spree? Apparently in Portland, the "crime spree" occurred when he "...walked up to a total stranger and shoved him to the ground. Minutes later, he jumped on a car, stomped on its hood, flexed his muscles and kicked out the windshield before running away. Police say they caught Siebenmorgen the next day after he showed up at a Safeway at southeast King Street making rude comments to employees." Wait. What?

THAT'S your crime spree? It sounds to me like the guy thought he was the Incredible Hulk, only without all of the turning green and hulking. I don't know if I'd call that a "crime spree". Granted, it's awfully erratic, but where is the spree part? The shoving part is uncalled for at best. Is that a crime? I guess it's assault. Kicking the windshield in is definitely a crime. Being rude to Safeway employees isn't exactly good manners, but it's hardly a crime. And this whole story is hardly worthy of the moniker "spree". No wonder he looks so crazed. He's totally misunderstood. Yeah. That's it.