Intestinal Fortitude

The other day we learned about a woman in Scranton, PA who was arrested with something like 51 packages of heroin, 30-some odd drug baggies, 8-1/2 prescription pills and fifty-two dollars and twenty two cents, all conveniently packaged within the warmth and comfort of her own vagina. Well, if she's looking for a date or something, I think I have found the perfect person to hook her up with.

Meet Neil Lansing. Mr. Lansing resides in Sarasota County, Florida. According to the blog Jonathan Turley (Mr. Turley is a "...nationally recognized legal scholar who has written extensively in areas ranging from constitutional law to legal theory to tort law." I find his blog to be very interesting.), when Mr. Lansing was being booked into jail, a "virtual Cornucopia" turned up during the cavity search. In case you're unfamiliar with a cavity search, let me just say that those doing the searching were not dentists. I'll let you noodle the rest of that through.

Inside of his rectum (for those of you still noodling, you can probably stop now, as I'm sure you can figure out which cavity we are referring to here) they found some contraband. Let me take this opportunity to mention that I am really glad that my career path has taken me in directions so that I will never have to be in the position of discovering items that someone has shoved up their bodily cavities that are supposed to be "Out Only". But I digress. They found the following items:

17 Oxycodone pills

1 cigarette (Really? Up...there? You can't tell me that thing was still in tact after all of the...inserting and...removing. Cigarettes are kind of fragile. They're certainly not meant for deep drilling purposes.)


6 matches (It doesn't specify what kind of matches. I'm hoping that they were waterproof.)

1 flint (A flint?!?! Was he expecting to be participating in some sort of Boy Scout Jamboree? Having a flint up your ass is probably the epitome of the slogan "Be prepared".)

1 empty syringe with eraser over needle (Of course. An eraser. For protection. Safety first! What, pray tell, what he planning on injecting with said syringe? Never mind. I don't want to know.)

1 lip balm container (It doesn't say if there was any lip balm actually in the container. I could see not wanting chapped lips, but considering where the balm would be coming from, I think I'd tough it out.)

1 condom (Again, safety first! I certainly hope that he was planning on removing all of his supplies before he would be taking one for the team. I'm guessing that there's not much room in there for anything else, let alone Bubba's penis.)

1 CVS receipt (For tax purposes. Sure. That makes sense. It's either that or he was planning on returning something. Please, sir. For the love of all that is good and has not been up your rear end, please don't try to return any of that. )

And finally, one...coupon? (What the what? OK, I understand being frugal and thrifty, but in jail? What's he planning to save a dollar on? Is that where he normally keeps his coupons? What's that like when he goes to check out? "Just a minute. I have a coupon for that. Where is it?...Let's see...I know I brought it with me...Oh! That's right! I have inserted it into my rectum!"

Mr. Lansing was subsequently charged with being a dumbass. OK, that wasn't the official charge, but do you have a better name for it?

Charlie Sheen Tattoo - LOSING!

I thought that the nation had reached its idiocy threshold simply because the Charlie Sheen "concerts" (or whatever you want to call them) have been selling out wherever it is announced that he is going to "tour" (or whatever you want to call it). Seriously. Selling out. He sold out TWO shows at Carnegie freaking Hall! I thought the answer to the old question "How do you get to Carnegie Hall" was "Practice. Practice. Practice." I guess the new answer is "Hookers. Crack. Fired from a hit TV show." But apparently the idiocy threshold was just barely cresting, as I just learned that someone has gotten themselves permanently inked with the atrocity below. Behold!

What I don't get is how anyone could have a tattoo like that AND have the word 'winning' underneath it. I think if I were the tattoo artist, when I got to that point I'd have to say, "Enough is enough."

Those Don't Go In There

Just because you can do something with your body, that certainly doesn't mean that you should. In fact, I'm going to come out against most things that you can do with your body. I'm going to come out vehemently against using your body as some sort of a storage unit/hidey hole for foreign objects in a last ditch effort to avoid getting in even more trouble.

You can tell where this is going, right? According to the news source for lovely Scranton, Pennsylvania, thetimes-tribune.com tells us the story of a one 27-year old (and old enough to know better) Karin Mackaliunas. She was apparently at the scene of some sort of automobile crash when the car was being towed. (It is unclear to me if she owned the vehicle or had anything to do with the vehicle because the media sucks and this is a poorly written article that I'm attempting to work off of here. Bear with me. These really aren't overly important details to the gist of the tale, but it does irritate the crap out of me that they're not there.) And for some reason, an officer asked for Ms. Mackaliunas "...to be detained because she was suspected of stealing items from the inn." What inn, you ask? How the heck should I know? The media sucks, remember?

She was detained and the cop found three bags of heroin in her pocket. (That gives me a pretty good idea of why she was suspected of wrongdoing in the first place. Folks that go around with heroin in their pockets are the type of folks who you would think stole everything from the inn, including the manger out back.) She gets arrested and gets driven back to the police station. It was on that ride back that the officer noticed that our heroin enthusiast was a little fidgety.

They get back to headquarters and some sort of a struggle ensues between this young lady and the arresting officer. It's unclear as to why there was a struggle. What is clear is that at some point "...Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina." Of course.

The vagina is not a reasonable method of transporting drugs. It's also not a reasonable method of transporting other items as well. After a search by a doctor at Community Medical Center, it was discovered that this woman was also storing "54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22." Wait. What now?

That's right. She practically had an entire freaking CVS Pharmacy up her hoo-ha. What. The. Hell. And look, I can sort of understand the drugs. And I can sort of understand the drug bags. (You have to be prepared to bag up the new drugs that you get. And what better receptacle to put your drugs in than a bag that has been sitting in a woman's vagina for God knows how long. Ewww. Don't do drugs, kids. And for God's sake, don't do any that came out of someone's vagina.) And I guess I can understand the 8.5 prescription pills. But for the love of all that is rational, I cannot fathom why she would shove fifty one dollars and change up there! Why the change?! What were you afraid of, cupcake? My God! Do you realize how much stuff that IS? If you don't, I have prepared this handy graphic to help you visualize this scenario. Behold!

Shocking, is it not? And as surprised as I am that she shoved all of that up there, I'm also surprised that it stayed up there. I mean, seriously. Without going into overtly graphic detail, if you have the square footage to cram all of those wares in there, I'm guessing that the front door isn't all that secure. You follow me? Good, because I don't want to have to explain that it must be like those swinging doors you see in the old timey saloons. Flappin' back and forth after a patron enters the bar. Wow. I think I just grossed myself out with that visual I just provided. Yep. I certainly did.

One final note here. If you're someone who enjoys doing drugs, any drugs, and someone offers you drugs that she has just pulled out of her vagina, you need to take a good hard look at your priorities in life if you're going to consider doing those drugs. Seriously. And take your time.

That's A Stabbin'

Have you ever gotten so angry at someone that you can't even finish what it is that you're doing because it's much more important for you to jump up and stab that person right that very second? Yes? No? Well, if your answer was no, then you are clearly not David Davis of Stamford, Connecticut. He chose stabbing over finishing his haircut. And for more reasons that one, he should have just continued with the haircut and then commenced with all of the stabbing.

Here's the story: The aforementioned Mr. Davis was having his hair cut at an apartment. Now, that's not the typical place one goes for a haircut (if one is older than five, that is), so I guess I shouldn't be overly surprised that not a lot of typical stuff went on during this haircut. The Huffington Post tells us that midway through his haircut, he felt the need to jump up, grab a pair of scissors (which I'm assuming were being used by his 'barber') and stab another man in the back. I would really like to know what was so enraging to Mr. Davis that he just couldn't sit there any longer and felt the need to really get a-stabbin' immediately.

At some point, the police showed up after Mr. Davis had impaled and fled. No problem, though. The police dog found him hiding in a nearby apartment and he was arrested. Yeah, it's a shame that he didn't get to finish his haircut before his mugshot. If you're going to commit a crime, try to make sure that you won't look like a complete freakazoid when you eventually get arrested and photographed. Behold!

Good Lord. Granted, he looks like a complete fool in that photo, but judging from the size of that 'fro, he wasn't exactly overly dapper to begin with. And according to him, the fracas got started when he was approached by the stabee the victim in what he described as "an aggressive manner." That's why he picked up the scissors. It was self-defense. It is hard to imagine how much defending himself he had to do when you consider that the victim was stabbed in the back. Usually, when people have their back to me, I'm not really feeling all that threatened by them. I certainly don't feel the need to arm myself with a pair of scissors. But then again, I have no idea what goes down in the haircutting hoods of Stamford.

A Horse Is A Horse, Of...Course?

Seriously? I've got nothing today. It's not like it's a totally slow news day, but pretty much. They're still protesting in Wisconsin and there isn't a Democrat Senator in sight. Sarah Palin has spoken up and stated that President Barry's problem is that he's inexperienced. This coming straight from the mouth of a woman who didn't quite manage to finish out half a term as governor. We've got a college professor at Northwestern University who apologized for the live demonstration for one of his classes of a couple of people using a sex toy. (A sex toy that, as it turned out, was attached to the end of a reciprocating saw, for cryin' out loud.) And the Nissan Leaf, the car that was supposed to cut our nation's dependence on oil so that we can stop kissing the ass of the sand lands, managed to sell 67 in the month of February. Not 6,700. Not 67,000. 67. (Mind you, we're a country of over 300,000,000 people. They sold 67. Gas is going to be $4 a gallon any day now. And you and I are going to be bending over at the pump and paying it. We are so scroomed.) And while that seems like a lot of stuff to choose from, it all just makes my ass so incredibly tired I cannot even tell you. (And yeah, I don't know what the deal is with that sheep. But it kind of sums everything up in a weird sort of way.)

So for today, compliments of BuzzFeed, what say we just enjoy the best family portrait ever. At least, I think it's the best. It could be the worst. All I know is that it has a little bit of everything. Daughter with a look of despair on her face and what appears to be an expired guinea pig hanging from her belt. A woman in a wheelchair in the background. Dad with an arm garter with one dollar bills tucked into it. Did I mention that the dad is also wearing some sort of horse costume so that he looks like a centaur? He is. And the mom with a child's airline pilot wings stuck to her forehead and her ample cleavage mostly squashed into her failing corset. There's no telling how far south these folks live. I'm also going to guess that there isn't a full set of teeth between the three of them. Behold!

So, Charlie Sheen is flipping out these days. If you haven't heard about it, all I can say is that I'm grateful that you came out from under your rock long enough to read this blog. You have priorities. I like that about you. And although he's still technically flipping out, he's calming down a bit from his peak of insanity. That was probably last week when he declared he was some sort of Vatican warlock who had something called tiger blood. He also said that dying was for losers and he wasn't going to be a part of it. OK, then.

But even before this past week, Sheen's life has been full of exciting antics. Let's see...I think it was about a year ago at Christmas time that he held a knife to his wife's throat on Christmas. Just this last October, he trashed a hotel room and scared his hooker du jour so much that she ended up naked in a closet. (In his defense, he did think that she had stolen his watch. So, that, of course, justifies everything.) Then in January he ended up in the hospital after a weekend of partying with hookers. He claims to have had a 'hernia'. If that's what they're calling partying too much when you're 45 years old, so be it. Oh, and he just admitted during some interview the other day that he used to smoke seven gram rocks of cocaine by himself when he was partying. I don't know if that's a lot, but since he seems really proud of himself, I'm going to assume that it's a lot.

He's quite the character, that Carlos Irwin Estevez. But in the past couple of weeks since the production of his ridiculously popular TV show, Two And A Half Men, has been shut down, his life is considerably tamer. Granted, he is living with two porn stars who he refers to as his 'goddesses'. But there doesn't seem to be any sort of drug use going on. That's because he asserts to have gone through his own 'home rehab' at his home (which, to my extreme delight, he has renamed "Sober Valley Lodge"). He's even passed a couple of whiz quizzes and he's clean as a whistle. So then why is it that just now, according to Pop Eater, "...major news organizations...have begun preparing obituaries for the unraveling-before-our-eyes star". What now?

Really? They're just getting around to that? The drug-fueled, hooker-in-the-closet incident wasn't enough to have them start penning his life story? According to the article, a CBS insider is quoted as saying, "No one is wishing the worst but as a news organization for us not to be prepared for one of the biggest stories in a long time would be unprofessional." Well, of course no one is wishing the worst! (Then again, it is sort of like a train wreck that is inevitable and you kind of wish that it would just crash and get it over with. Sometimes, suspense is a real bitch. And that includes when you're waiting for someone else's death.) But if you're going to talk about needing to be prepared, shouldn't you have started on this thing quite some time ago! He's clean right now, for cryin' out loud!

And look, while the news organizations may feel the need to be on a Charlie Sheen death watch, I don't see it happening anytime real soon. The guy parties like an animal. And for no real explainable reason, some people's bodies are just built to take that sort of abuse more than others. Look at Keith Richards. Why is that man still alive? How is that man still alive?! If there is ever a nuclear war, there will be two things that survive: Cockroaches and Keith Richards. (And quite frankly, the two are a little bit indiscernible right about now.) And that's just how it goes. But again, I feel the need to point out that he's not doing drugs right now! Where were your obituaries when he was smoking those seven gram rocks! Sure, it's great to be prepared, but you need to have something to be prepared for! And right now, that ship has sailed (and it probably has lots of porn stars aboard).

Best Picture On The Internet

According to the Internets, this is the best picture on the Internets. And while I can't totally agree with them, I'm finding it a little hard to outright disagree, you know what I mean? You will after careful consideration of what may actually be the best picture on the Internets. Behold!

See what I mean? Hard to know, really. Hard to know.

Charlie Sheen At The Oscars

I know, I know. You're expecting a fashion filled extravaganza which reflects last night's Academy Awards ceremony, aren't you? (Don't get me wrong. I see no reason to not include pictures of the astonishingly lovely Sandra Bullock in this post. Different doesn't have to mean crazy or short-sighted!) Well, you would have gotten it if it hadn't been for my cousin who suggested that I pay attention to a little Twitter fad that took off during the Super Bowl. It seems as if someone had started a hashtag on Twitter called JaneAustenAtTheSuperBowl. And it was just what it sounds like. It was Jane Austen musings as if she were at the Super Bowl. (By the way, just so I'm not too hip for the room, a hashtag is this symbol: #. It designates a specific topic on Twitter. And also, just so I'm clear, Twitter is pretty useless most of the time. My participating in this nonsense should not be interpreted as any sort of indication that I think Twitter is cool. I don't.)

Thus, with that sort of seed planted in my often empty noggin, I thought that the Oscars would need a voice. Maybe not a Jane Austen sort of voice, as a friend of mine was completely appalled that anyone would disgrace the works of Jane Austen (she's really into bonnet movies and bonnet books), but a voice none the less. Then it hit me. Or I fell down because I was drunk. Whichever it was, I had a revelation. What the Oscars needed was more Charlie Sheen. Thus, I created the hashtag #CharlieSheenAtTheOscars and twat periodically throughout the telecast which I occasionally watched. What? Twat is the past tense of tweet, right? I will tweet. I am tweeting. I have twat. Sounds right to me.

And don't think that I ever expected anyone to notice this little method of amusing myself. I didn't. And I think I succeeded by setting my expectations as low as I usually do for things like this. So, since I know you missed it, allow me to take you through the Academy Awards show as seen through the tweets of a very real, yet very fictional Charlie Sheen. Behold!

• At Kodak Theater. Walk w/me side by side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Roll out that red carpet if you want, but I'm rolling out magic bro and I must save it for my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one has acknowledged me yet. I should have been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one has even said hello. I feel like an unwelcome relative given cold coffee every night at nine o’clock.#Charliesheenattheoscars


• Showtime! Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch—it’s about to get really gnarly. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Can't believe they didn't ask me to host. These two suck. I've got poetry in my fingertips.
  #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Screw hosting because that’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed. From the prom queen. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• My tux is uncomfortable. It doesn't fit because my chest and my biceps are too big. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I have effortlessly and magically converted your tin can into pure gold statuettes. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• First award of the night handed out. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars


• The first statuette is free. The next one goes in your mouth. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one at my table has won anything. I'm dealing with fools and trolls here. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• To all the losers: I have real fame, you have nothing. You have zero. I probably have syphilis. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I don't care who wins. I will forget about them as the last image of them exits this beautiful theater. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• There's Natalie Portman. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I am special, and I will never be one of you! I will never have an Oscar. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• If they want me in a sequel, it's a smash. If they don't, it's a turd that opens on a tugboat. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one looks happy. Is the rule that we have to all sit in here and touch ourselves and frown? #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• #Thekidsareallright I don't subscribe to any part of the model. They brainwashed my friends and my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Christian Bale freaking won?? Sorry man. Didn't make the rules. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Jesse Eisenberg looks confused. Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh bye #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I could get nominated one day. There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I'm not Mark Zuckerberg. He was a pussy. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Almost three hours of this so far. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I liked #TrueGrit. There's a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom! That’s the whole movie. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Melissa Leo. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Toy Story 3. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars

Step Away From The Chicken

I think that it's safe to say that most of us here have been drunk at one point or another. Like Thursday, for example. But timelines aside, I think that for those of us who have been overserved (by ourselves or by the kindness of others), we've all done things that we weren't exactly overly proud of the next day. And while I might have had some...interesting antics, I've gotta say that I have never been so drunk that I defiled the poultry section of a Kroger. Wait. You never...what now?

You heard me. I never defiled the poultry section of a Kroger. Then again, I am not a one 58-year old (and old enough to know better) Jerry Patterson of North Little Rock, Arkansas. According to MSNBC, "Police were called to the (Kroger) to investigate a report of a drunk man who was being verbally aggressive with store workers." You know, the being aggressive with other folks really isn't compulsory drunken behavior. Why must so many people behave as if it is? Be happy drunks! Don't be mean. Mean behavior only results in the cops being called and you likely going to jail.

When the cops got there, they found what many would consider to be your typical drunken symptoms. The unsteadiness on one's feet. The reeking of alcohol. The incredibly bloodshot eyes. And in this case, they also found an individual with a recently emptied bladder and ham breath. You see, it would appear that Mr. Patterson had allegedly "...urinated on $500 worth of chicken". Five hundred dollars worth? That's an awful lot of chicken. If it weren't so disgusting, I'd be pretty impressed.

The police report also indicted that Mr. Patterson "...also ate a large package of ham". OK, see, the chicken peeing? That I don't get. Being famished when drunk? I totally get that. There's something about all of the drunkenness that makes feel as if they are absolutely starving. And that's when everything sounds good. Hershey bars dipped in marinara sauce? Delicious. Frozen fish stick sliders (with the fish sticks still slightly frozen)? Awesome. Low-fat potato chips dipped in a jar of pre-made gravy? Breakfast! The behavior itself is totally understandable and acceptable. The arena in which this chap chose to practice this behavior, while still understandable, is not quite as acceptable as when you're doing it in the comfort of your own drunken palace.

Mr. Patterson was arrested and charged with a variety of offensive offenses, including "...public intoxication, theft of property, and criminal mischief." Criminal mischief? Geez, I'd say! I wonder when he ate the ham? Do you think he was peeing at the time of the ingestion of one of the tastiest of all of the cured and salted meats? Sometimes when you're drunk you get really obsessed with multi-tasking. Maybe he thought that he'd just go to the store, get something to eat and relieve himself all at the same time. And it worked, but it got him arrested in the process. Always thinking ahead. Always. And never pee on the chicken in the grocery store. Once you get home with your chicken, you can do whatever you'd like to it. Just don't get caught and don't be telling me about it. Weirdo.

Not Working Means You Don't Work

If you ask anyone other than Charlie Sheen, they will tell you that Charlie Sheen seems a little crazy these days. In fact, most folks will tell you that it sounds as if Charlie Sheen has gone completely off the rails. But they would only say that because he sounds exactly like that is what has happened. He sounds like a crazy man. And he keeps calling into various radio talk shows to try to profess that he's not a crazy man, but I really think that's doing him more harm than good at this point. Really, I think that what would help him the most is just to keep quiet for a little while and stop irritating people who pay his salary. The other thing that would help him to not look so crazy is for him to stop saying that he's going to show up for work on Monday when there is no work to show up for. Wait. What?

Correct. See, for some reason, the guys that are in charge of the gold mine that is the television show Two And A Half Men have decided to cancel the remainder of the production season. The show has already been on hiatus for a few weeks while Mr. Sheen is supposed to be trying to kick his unhealthy ways. Apparently, things like trashing hotel rooms because you think a $20,000 hooker stole your watch and going on weekend cocaine binges coupled with unlimited sex with various mattress actresses really gets the attention of your "superiors" and causes them to think that you might have "a problem". Go figure.

But the other thing that catches the attention of your "superiors" are saying things in interviews that aren't exactly complimentary to those who are in charge. Most people, in charge of anything or not, would not take kindly to being called, among other things, "...a stupid . . little man and a p***y punk." And "This contaminated little maggot can't handle my power . . . Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words." (By the way, in that first quote, the redacted part does not say 'puppy'. I thought I should throw that in there just in case you were confused as to why he would be calling someone a puppy. He wasn't. It was more of a feline insult, if you will.)

So after all of this attention getting and even after all of the times that Charlie Sheen has been saying that he doesn't have a problem with anything, the New York Post reports: "Claiming he is completely sober, actor Charlie Sheen said today he plans to show up for work despite CBS's decision yesterday to pull the plug on the top-rated comedy "Two and a Half Men" this season." OK, see, those are not the actions of a person who is completely sober. Or maybe they are, but the person is just sober AND crazy. You see, Charlie, there's no work to show up for! That's part of what they mean by they have cancelled the remainder of the season! There's no more work there. It's done. And your showing up is only going to serve to make you look crazier than you already do. Please don't show up for your non-existent job/work on Monday, Charlie. Please. I realize that the show's character was sort of written just for someone like you, but even the character wouldn't show up for work when there was no work there for him. He'd stay home. You should do the same. Stay home with one of your female porn enthusiasts and stop giving interviews that make you sound like your brain is riddled with a late stage syphillitic condition.

She Needs To Have A Job First

People could learn a lot from the little girl in the video that I'm about to link to because Blogger is being just totally awesome and not letting me post videos right now. She appears to be around 4 or 5 years old and has some definite ideas about the decisions that she is going to be making in her life later on. Her main point is that she will not and is not going to get married until she has a job. And she is adamant about it, too! She doesn't even care if her needing to have a job first makes the man go away. She says, "Fine. I'll just find a different man! This is my life." I'm telling you, I know people that need to listen and learn from this kid. She could give seminars to a select segment of society. Granted, they are that select segment of society mainly because they don't appear to listen to anyone, nor do they learn from their own mistakes. But that doesn't take away from the fact that she could give them all a very good talking to. Click here to check the girl out. Encourage people you know who could benefit from such wisdom to take a gander at it. It can't hurt.

How Not To Move A Mattress

Today, we have a case of an event gone awry. But not just any event. It's an event which you wonder why it ever took place to begin with. It's an event which more than one person needed to concur that it was a good idea. It's an event in which both of those things seem completely impossible. They're definitely hard to explain.

Take the case of a one Timothy Lee Walker, 48-years old (and old enough to know better) and a one 42-year old Stella Thomas (also old enough to know better). According to MSNBC, one or both of these dimwits bought a mattress and were taking it home themselves. Naturally, they had neither the vehicle, nor the equipment with which to transport a mattress from one place to another. (Why is it that nine times out of ten, if someone is moving a mattress, they do not have a truck? I've never understood that. It's like some weird unwritten law of nature that if you don't have a truck, you're going to have to move your mattress. It's practically guaranteed.)

Now, most people, when transporting a large object that they have to put on top of their vehicle, tend to use some sort of tethering utilities to secure said object to said vehicle. Those can range anywhere from rope and twine to nylon cords and bungee cords. And that's just to name a few. You know what is noticeably absent from my list? That's right. The human body. See, Mr. Walker decided that a good idea for keeping the mattress on top of the vehicle was for him to lie down on top of the 1996 Ford Explorer while Ms. Thomas drove the moron and the mattress to their destination. You want to guess how that turned out? Poorly, that is correct.

Surprisingly, Mr. Walker "...fell from the vehicle when...Stella Thomas, 42, rounded a curve, causing the mattresses to slide off the roof". I don't know how they thought that was ever going to work. Mr. Walker's condition was such that he "...was taken by helicopter to a hospital". At the writing of the scant article (which is probably about as extensive as Mr. Walker's problem solving skills) "His latest medical condition wasn't known". Well, while his latest medical condition wasn't known, I'm guessing that his latest mental condition could probably be guessed at with a great degree of accuracy. What a maroon. I wonder how she ended up getting the mattress home after he went to the hospital?