Noodle This One Through

You're going to love this guy as much as I do. And when I say "love" I mean "want to slowly strangle until I've seen every shade of blue known to man and hope that I discover a new one". You know. Love. This bloke is apparently in Wisconsin for the protests. He also apparently lives in Wisconsin and is currently (but perhaps not for much longer) employed at something called Noodles. It appears to be a restaurant which serves some sort of pasta. Noodles, if you will.

From the fine folks over at The Blaze we are treated to an interview of this particular Noodles employee. He gives his rationale as to why the economic model of America (the most successful country on the planet in the history of the planet) needs to change. He also spends a fair amount of time pointing out the obvious as if it is some sort of an atrocity. It's as absolutely frustrating as it is absolutely hilarious. I've taken the time to transcribe some of his thoughts below. See what you think.

"You either work for someone else or you work for yourself. And most people work for someone else in a way that they aren’t free. You don’t really get to decide your work. For example, I work at Noodles, a restaurant, and basically it’s a dictatorship there. We’re told exactly what we’re going to cook, how we’re going to cook it, what time we’re going to get there. And basically if they don’t like what we’re doing, they try and tell us what to do. If we don’t listen, they get rid of us. And so we’re not able to actually cooperate in a way that we make decisions together. I try to convince my fellow employees that we should have a union at Noodles so it’s a source of power to start with and then I think in terms of the bigger picture, we need to look at revolutions in a way that you actually get rid of any sort of dictatorship is by having workers take control of the place where they work."

If that seems like a lot to plod through all at once, allow me to help you. Basically, his employment at the Noodles is unbearable or unfair or something because it is essentially a dictatorship (and not a place of business, apparently). It earns the dictatorship label in his own mind because they tell you what to cook, when you have to show up and how long you have to work. And in ultimate dictatorial fashion, if you don't like the rules then you are fired. Clearly, there is no freedom at the Noodles and thus, it is bad. I realize that all of this sounds very similar to a job, but he seems to have it mistaken for a dictatorship. This man needs a helmet. Stat!

Basically, he's saying that he'd like to come and go whenever he likes and cook whatever he feels like at a pace that he deems to be appropriate. Sure. That seems like it would work. Of course. Never mind that he is applying dictatorship to the workplace and that's a completely incorrect application of the theory. His method would be fine because everyone would be doing what they wanted without having anyone tell them what to do. At work.

But wait! There's more. The person shooting this video then asked our little socialist/communist, "Would your plan, your vision for Noodles, would it include the owner?" His response? Pretty much the sort of nonsense that you'd be expecting right about now, having just read his previous load of crap. He said, "If the owner wanted to cooperate with us as an equal and provide his skills that he had, we would definitely cooperate with him. He'd have to abdicate his position as being an owner and controller of us and he would have to recognize that we run Noodles together. And basically, if he doesn't want to cooperate with us, he's against us." Holy crap.

So let me see if I've got this straight. In this jackwagon's world, he would be an equal to the guy who had the initial vision, gathered up the start up money, and built this business (which apparently has 240 locations in 18 different states and employs around 3,000 workers, hopefully not all of which share the same mentality as this dude). That guy, the entrepreneur, is supposed to be an equal with this cook who comes off as having the IQ of a turnip and who may or may not show up for work, depending on how he feels. That sounds like a fabulous business model, son! I can't believe that someone else hasn't made their fortune in that exact same way! Good Lord...

The video of this socialist/communist who doesn't understand economic theory as it applies to the individual workplace very well is below. (And if it loads all funny, you can just click here and watch it on YouTube. The good stuff starts right at the 3:38 mark. Feel free to start there, lest your head explode trying to listen to all of it.) Try listening to him with your eyes closed. When you open them, you'll notice that he looks precisely like he sounds. What is it about that sort of voice and the seeming inability to grow any sort of meaningful facial hair that always seems to be present in these sort of softheads? Is it because they're already like that and that makes them this way? Or do they take on these ridiculous beliefs and then adopt those sort of traits? I don't know which one it is either, but it annoys the crap out of me. Whatever he's protesting against in Wisconsin, I am wholeheartedly in favor of. Sign me up. Just keep him away from me.

Reasons To Wear A Helmet When Protesting

If you're going to riot and try to overthrow a government, you'd better be prepared. Sure, you get there with a full head of steam and that's a good start. But you've really got to bring your A-game. Er, your A-riot. You also have to bring your rioting stuff. Aka, your gear or your equipment. From what I can tell, over there in Egypt, that would amount to a lot of rocks. After you have your gear, there's a procedure that you must follow. You're going to take your rocks and you're going to throw them. Got it? Good. Now, while you're throwing said rocks amongst the unsaid chaos that is erupting, your goal will be two-fold. Fold One: Try to get your rock to hit whatever the target that you have determined is. Fold Two: Try not to get hit with rocks from other people on the opposing side who are doing the same thing that you're doing, only in reverse. And in order to best accomplish Fold Two, you're going to need a helmet. Good luck finding a real helmet in Egypt. It's not like they sell them at the Camel Feed n' Fuel. You're going to have to improvise. And it just so happens that I found some pictures over there at LIFE that will give you some good idea for said improvisation. It will also give you some ideas of what not do to. Let's begin.

This man has put a large mushroom on his head. That is not going to work at all. On top of that, he looks ridiculous. No one can take a rioter seriously if they look like a moron. I don't even know what he thinks that is going to do for his dome. It's not going to do much, I'll tell you that right now. Is it an Egyptian sombrero? I don't think anyone really knows. Cool shades, though. Those will help. Or not.

This nitwit with the traffic cone on his melon isn't going to fare much better. I will concede that it is better than nothing. But wouldn't you think that wearing a bright orange cone on your head is kind of just asking to be made into a target? If you have to aim for something, aim for the cone. Not a good idea if you're really trying to avoid cranial damage.

Next up, the sauce pot. "Hey, Jim! How big is your head?" "I'm not sure." "Well, do you think you could fit it into a six-quart pot?" "I don't know. Do you have an eight-quart pot?" "I do, but I think that will be too big." "Don't worry. I'll shove some cloth napkins in it so it will fit snugly and then I'll tie it to my melon with a necktie." "Oh, OK. I'm glad you've give this some thought. I'm going to wear the colander." "OK. Now let's get ready to rumble!" (By the way, if anyone can tell me what he has written on his pot, I would be very appreciative. And all of you yay-hoos who are going to tell me it says something like "Bring to a boil before adding pasta" can just save it!)
There might not be a more versatile item than the plastic milk crate. It is milk crates that allowed me to decorate my first few abodes in the style of "Early Dorm Room". They made for great bookshelves and they helped support the planks of wood that would serve as the TV stand. And not only can they be furniture, they can also be protective headwear. Who knew? (And while I also used cinder blocks in place of the milk crates from time to time, they would not have been near as effective as a helmet as the milk crates appear to be.)

The protester below is on the right track with his or her impromptu helmet-izing. The mesh metal front seems like an excellent idea to protect your fact. Whatever there is on the top, however, does not seem adequate at all. It looks to be like a dishtowel and a piece of cardboard. Well, that's not going to do much when a rock lands on you. Nope. Not much at all. But if you're getting rocks thrown directly at you, this seems like it might be of some use. It also has a sort of medieval look to it that I really enjoy.

This person is a moron. What does he think that little piece of cardboard is going to do? Keep the sun out of his eyes? Maybe he has already been hit in the head and that is why he thinks that what he is doing will effectively protect his noggin. News flash: It won't. He'll be knocked unconscious by the first piece of rugged concrete to rain down upon him. He really needs to hook up with milk crate guy or sauce pot head.

This guy isn't going to get much more protection than the corrugated warrior seen above. He appears to have stolen the lid from Oscar the Grouch's trash can and is using it as protection. I fear for him and his cranium. I hope his hand-eye coordination is good. He's going to need it.

At least those guys are trying to protect themselves. Because you know what happens when you don't try to protect yourself and you go wading right out into the middle of a protest? You end up like this guy:

Yipes. That's all for today, kids! And remember, wear a helmet!