That's A Stabbin'

Have you ever gotten so angry at someone that you can't even finish what it is that you're doing because it's much more important for you to jump up and stab that person right that very second? Yes? No? Well, if your answer was no, then you are clearly not David Davis of Stamford, Connecticut. He chose stabbing over finishing his haircut. And for more reasons that one, he should have just continued with the haircut and then commenced with all of the stabbing.

Here's the story: The aforementioned Mr. Davis was having his hair cut at an apartment. Now, that's not the typical place one goes for a haircut (if one is older than five, that is), so I guess I shouldn't be overly surprised that not a lot of typical stuff went on during this haircut. The Huffington Post tells us that midway through his haircut, he felt the need to jump up, grab a pair of scissors (which I'm assuming were being used by his 'barber') and stab another man in the back. I would really like to know what was so enraging to Mr. Davis that he just couldn't sit there any longer and felt the need to really get a-stabbin' immediately.

At some point, the police showed up after Mr. Davis had impaled and fled. No problem, though. The police dog found him hiding in a nearby apartment and he was arrested. Yeah, it's a shame that he didn't get to finish his haircut before his mugshot. If you're going to commit a crime, try to make sure that you won't look like a complete freakazoid when you eventually get arrested and photographed. Behold!

Good Lord. Granted, he looks like a complete fool in that photo, but judging from the size of that 'fro, he wasn't exactly overly dapper to begin with. And according to him, the fracas got started when he was approached by the stabee the victim in what he described as "an aggressive manner." That's why he picked up the scissors. It was self-defense. It is hard to imagine how much defending himself he had to do when you consider that the victim was stabbed in the back. Usually, when people have their back to me, I'm not really feeling all that threatened by them. I certainly don't feel the need to arm myself with a pair of scissors. But then again, I have no idea what goes down in the haircutting hoods of Stamford.

The Girl Scout Scissor Stabbin' Badge

I think that we can all pretty much agree that Girl Scout cookies are freaking delicious. Just how delicious might be up to personal interpretation, but there isn't much denying that they're delicious. That they come around only once a year can be a bit stressful. You really need to ration your cookies and, more importantly, you really need to be prepared for when they are gone. Because when they are gone, that's it. They're really gone. Therefore, if you were expecting to still have some Girl Scout cookies left and found out that you suddenly had none, that could make an individual rather angry. I don't know if I could justify that it's the stabbing someone sort of angry, but angry none the less.

Let's go down to Flori-duh where this sort of crap seems to always be occurring and see what happened in the case of a one Hersha Howard. (Hersha? All right. I guess.) According to the folks over there at MSNBC, Ms. Howard noticed that her Thin Mints were gone. Eaten, if you will. She then "...confronted her sleeping roommate and accused her of eating the box of treats." Her roommate, a one Jasmin Wanke (Wanke? That's a pretty name.), told her that "... she'd given the cookies to Howard's kids, who were awake and hungry around 1 a.m." Huh. These folks seem to live a very different life than the one I currently live and the one that I grew up living. I'm sure that, as a small child, I was awake on occasion at 1 a.m. I'm also sure that I was never given Thin Mints cookies due to all of the being awake. Yeah, didn't happen. And I'm not sure why it's happening in this scenario, but I can take a guess. (Here's a hint: Responsible parenting does in no way factor into this equation.)

Well, the news of her eaten Thin Mints was apparently a bit too much for Ms. Howard to take. This is when Ms. Howard jumped on top of Ms. Wanke and began pummeling her in the face. Man, there is so much to like about this story! Oh, but wait! Did I mention that Ms. Howard is four hundred pounds? I didn't? I apologize. She's four hundred freaking pounds. It's amazing she could jump on top of anything, let alone a woman sleeping in bed. I've seen folks that appeared to be pushing the four hundred pound mark and they needed a Rascal scooter in order to become ambulatory. So I have to say that I am a little impressed that this big ol' gal was so mobile.

Now, they apparently fought on the bed for a little bit before Wanke's husband pulled Ms. Howard off of her. Wait. He's in the same bed as her and this chick just walks on in and starts asking about cookies? I don't know about you, but I'm thinking I'd prefer the man that I'm sleeping with to stop things a little bit before they got to this point. I'm thinking just a brief, "What are you doing in here?" followed by a short "Get out!" would be sufficient. But he let it get to the point where he had a four hundred pound woman in his bed on top of his wife. If it weren't for the four hundred pounds, it sounds like most guys' fantasy.

Ms. Wanke fled and Ms. Howard took off after her. Again, incredibly mobile for such a behemoth giant woman. She allegedly grabbed a pair of scissors and threatened to kill Ms. Wanke over the now consumed delicious Thin Mints. And like I said, I know that Thin Mints are good. They're really good. But are they scissor stabbin' good? I don't know about that. Then again, I don't know how good I'd really be at stabbing someone. I can barely get that little straw into the Capri Sun.

Ms. Howard chased Ms. Wanke down the stairs. That is when she dropped the scissors and picked up a board of some sort and struck Ms. Wanke with that. What sort of folks are these that they're feeding Thin Mints to their children at 1 a.m. and that they also have random pieces of lumber lying about? I'm also guessing that if a four hundred pound anything hits you with a board, that's going to leave quite a mark.

From there it was into the kitchen (a shocking locale for a four hundred pound individual to end up) where more fighting occurred and the husband had to separate the two of them once more. This husband is getting quite the workout. And to think he was just rudely awakened only moments ago! I don't know that I'd have it in me to do all of that right after I woke up. I'm not a morning person. Granted, this was the middle of the night, but I still wouldn't feel up to all of the running and separating and tackling that was taking place.

Following that separation, Ms. Wanke ran outside and was, naturally, followed by Ms. Howard. This time, Ms. Howard picked up some sort of a sign and wailed on Ms. Wanke with that for a while until she was tackled by Ms. Wanke's husband. That had to have been amusing. Some four hundred pound, completely enraged, cookieless woman, beating down on her roommate with an undefined sign when she is tackled by the "man" of the house. It sounds like a pretty awesome cartoon, actually. I'm picturing something like Foghorn Leghorn getting tackled by that little chick that said he was a chicken hawk. It sounds like it would be just about as effective.

Wow. Clearly as evidenced by the several different pieces of weaponry that this nutjob wielded against the perpetrator of her apparently beloved Thin Mints, this woman definitely has a certain level of enthusiasm for her snacks. It really might be unmatched by any I've heard of up until this point. (And I have a friend who practically covets the Cadbury Mini Eggs. She has them sent to her from out of town if they first appear in cities other than her own. But I don't think that she'd go after someone with a pair of scissors if they took her Cadbury Mini Eggs. She might give them a good hearty shove to get them away; I think I could see that happening pretty easily. But stabbing? Not really.)

Ms. Howard ended up going to jail and being booked. I'm guessing she could be there for a while, as it's entirely possible she could get stuck in that cell. Perhaps during her downtime in the pokey, she might try to learn some new problem solving skills. Maybe even some new negotiation tactics. Hopefully, none of them will involve scissors, boards or outdoor signs. Then again, I'm pretty sure that you can't teach a four hundred pound Thin Mint fanatic new tricks.