This Stuff Writes Itself

Sometimes, I read stuff that will practically write itself on this blog. Today was no exception. I read this little gem over at Roanoke.com: "A man who hung his GED certificate above his methamphetamine-cooking rig, then fled police by taking to the woods with a tent and a bowl of macaroni and cheese, pleaded guilty today to charges that could send him to prison for years." Seriously, does it get much easier than that? Not by a lot it doesn't.

Here's the scoop: A one 29-year old and old enough to know better John Thomas Nelon Jr., had been making meth in his garage. That alone shows he's not all that bright to begin with. And when police received tips and conducted a search back in May, this genius left little doubt as to who the police were looking for. That's because this proud, proud scholar had conveniently hung his freaking GED certificate on the wall directly above his meth making contraption. (Is it a contraption? Or a process? I'm a little unclear on all of the particulars of the methamphetamine-production-out-of-your-garage gig.) And by the way, he looks just about like you'd expect him to look. That's him over there on the right.

Wow. 29 years old and proudly displaying your GED. I wonder when he got it? Being as how it was so prominently displayed, I would just gather he's a recent recipient of said GED. I can't figure why you'd put something like that above your meth maker. (That's what I'm going to call it since I don't know what it is.) Maybe he was doing it to impress his girlfriend. Because, you know, girls who are only fifteen are quite impressionable. Wait. What?

Correct. He has a fifteen year old girlfriend. Nice life she's living there, eh? I wonder what her story is. Actually, I can kind of probably guess what her story is and my guess would be sad. There didn't seem to be any charges relating to his having a 15-year old girlfriend, so I guess that sort of thing is just fine and dandy in Virginia. I mean, he basically admitted, by pleading guilty, that he had "...manufactured meth and that he did so in the presence of a minor." I had not idea that was even a charge. What about the other things he probably did with said minor? Y'all don't have anything for that?

Apparently, after Einstein made a break for the woods with his tent and his trusty bowl of mac n' cheese, he relied upon said girlfriend to resupply him. And with her being about as smart as he was, she apparently did not notice (or didn't even consider the possibility) that she was being watched by officers when she trotted back into the woods with...I don't know what. More mac n' cheese? Some Spaghettios, perhaps? When officers went in to apprehend him, "Nelon tried to run, but he did not outrun the police dog". I wonder what he took with him during his run that time? His peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

See, I never understand what these folks who run from the authorities are thinking is going to happen. Did he really think that his ingenious plan of fleeing into the nearby woods with A tent and A bowl of macaroni and cheese was going to help him foil a fleet of cops that were going to be looking for him? Was he hoping they were just going to give up like it was a game of Hide and Seek? Did he really think that this was going to help him in any way? He must have, but I just don't get that way of thinking. Then again, I fancy myself a tad more intelligent that a carrot, which might be a little too generous of a vegetable to compare Mr. Nelon to.

When in court, after a description of what went down was presented, "Nelon chuckled at (the) account and told the judge he did not dispute it." Even he knows how ridiculous he was! And I'll be that the wasn't the only one in that courtroom laughing. What a maroon.