Go Away, Jennifer

I believe the day has finally come that everyone else is as sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston as I am. And not a moment too soon, either. How do I know this? I have a most awesome example/source to share with you.

Apparently, Jen Aniston is the pitchwoman or spokeshole for something called SmartWater. Now, while I find the concept of bottled water anything but smart (how much of it really comes from the special glaciers that the company claims and how much of it comes from the tap?), I find the SmartWater people to be rather smart in that they're making their fortune off of the simpletons that buy their products. These are the same folks who make VitaminWater. VitaminWater, as you may or may not be aware, has a name that makes it sound like a good thing, but in reality, it's pretty much crap. It won't make you healthier. It will only lighten the load in your wallet. Eventually though, you might end up feeling stupider, but that's not a guarantee. Plenty of people still buy this crap, so who knows when, if ever, that side effect will occur.

But I digress. Where was I? Oh, right. The SmartWater spokeshole, Jen Aniston. She has made a marketing video (otherwise known as an advertisement) for these SmartWater charlatans and the goal is for the video to go viral. At one point in the video, she kicks a poor, unsuspecting dude right in the nuts because, as she explains to the writhing sap, "...apparently that's worth about 100,000 hits." Poor guy. At the rate that her "viral video" is "taking off" his scrotum is going to be in shreds before it gets anywhere close to 100,000 hits.

Now, I first read about this stunt early yesterday. When I went to check how many hits it had on YouTube, it was up to a whopping (brace yourself) 304. Not 304,000. 304. And as I write this, it is about 9:30pm yesterday. Upon my re-checking of the video, it has now garnered a whopping 1,014 views. Not 1,014,000 views. 1,014. It even has more dislikes(1,365) than it has views. I don't know how that works, exactly, but I think it says something.

And the something it says it that we don't care about Jennifer Aniston anymore. Yes, she's hot. But that's all she has going for her. Have you ever heard her interviews? It's like listening to a pair of teats nailed to a wooden board. Sure, they're nice to look at and all, but there's no substance. There's nothing there. And after a while, even the looking good gets old. Sure, we loved her as Rachel, but that's because she had a great supporting cast on Friends. If it was just The Rachel Show, it would have been off the air quicker than Joey was. Her movies have never been any good and I think that she should just stop trying so hard and go away for a while. That video, is never going viral. If 2,000 people ever see it, I'll be shocked. Just go away, Jen. You're beautiful and you used to be funny, but please just go away. Clearly, by the lack of hits to your "viral" video, most folks would appreciate it. Please go. Now.

She Needs To Have A Job First

People could learn a lot from the little girl in the video that I'm about to link to because Blogger is being just totally awesome and not letting me post videos right now. She appears to be around 4 or 5 years old and has some definite ideas about the decisions that she is going to be making in her life later on. Her main point is that she will not and is not going to get married until she has a job. And she is adamant about it, too! She doesn't even care if her needing to have a job first makes the man go away. She says, "Fine. I'll just find a different man! This is my life." I'm telling you, I know people that need to listen and learn from this kid. She could give seminars to a select segment of society. Granted, they are that select segment of society mainly because they don't appear to listen to anyone, nor do they learn from their own mistakes. But that doesn't take away from the fact that she could give them all a very good talking to. Click here to check the girl out. Encourage people you know who could benefit from such wisdom to take a gander at it. It can't hurt.

Doggone Weird

Look, we all know that there is an awfully lot of weird stuff on the Internets. I mean, really weird stuff. There's cool stuff, too, but it's the weird stuff that really props up the Internets. Well, that and porn. Of course. But even a lot of the porn is pretty weird, too. I guess I don't have to tell you that. Where was I? Oh, yes. The weirdness. Even though there are a lot of really weird things on the Internets, I have to say that I have not encountered the type of weirdness depicted in the video below. That is, until today. Today I encountered it and I still don't know what to do with it. It's a woman and she's showing viewers how to exercise. It's unclear as to which viewers she is trying to reach, as she is also exercising with giant poodles. Oh, did I mention that she herself looks like a giant poodle? Yep. She does. And she looks like a giant poodle right down to her poofy arms and her poofy legs. Seriously, I have no idea what in the hell this is other than so bizarre I'm having trouble putting words to it. I'm open to suggestions. The video is below. It's probably the weirdest thing you'll see all day. You're welcome. I think. (Oh, and PS. I have no idea what that's a picture of. I simply Googled "weird" and that was one of the images that came up. And it is, unquestionably, weird. So I went with it.)

Exercise With The 80s

Anyone want to tell me just exactly what it was that we were all thinking in the eighties? OK, maybe not what we were all thinking. But what a lot of people were all thinking. The big hair. The bright colors. The wacky speech patterns used by all the kids. The headbands and leg warmers. The exercise videos. My God, the exercise videos! Tell me how anyone could have taken anything like the video below seriously. Ever. Actually...wait. Tell me how anyone would have thought that the video below was ever a good idea. (Is that Linda Evans?) Did they not know how ridiculous this was going to look? Because it does. Look ridiculous, that is.

My favorite part? "Now, the neck!" Now, the neck? Wait. What were we doing before?! What's with those eye movements? Is there a reason she's breathing out in such an unattractive fashion? I mean, I can practically overlook the hair because everything else is so damned bewildering. (I said practically, not totally. Seriously...Aqua Net much?) But really, I don't understand any of this. I'm open to explanations, though.

What Is Internet?

Technically, the Internet hasn't been around that long. Granted, I have a hard time remembering what I did in my spare time before the Internet. (I'd like to think that I was productive, but who knows?) Then again, I was an early adopter of the Internet. Are you kidding? Something that allowed me to do stuff without actually having to talk to other people? I'd been waiting for something like that my entire life!

And when I was first introduced to the concept of the Internet, while I didn't quite understand all of it or the immense capabilities, I was able to grasp the concept of the "@" symbol. It's pronounced 'at'. You know that. I know that. You know who didn't know that? Katie Couric. (Are you really that surprised? Of course you're not.)

I'm including a link to some video from 1994 that has surfaced. (I would have just embedded the video, but for some reason, YouTube wasn't giving it up.) It was when Katie Couric was on Today with the insufferable Bryant Gumbel. Not only did they have a discussion over what "@" stood for, they were both completely flummoxed by the entire concept of the Internet in general. That kind of explains why they were calling it "Internet". No the. Just Internet. As in, "Can you explain what Internet is?" Even after they get their explanation, they're still not completely sure what it means. Bryant Gumbel is completely perplexed by email addresses and has no earthly idea what they mean, let alone what they're supposed to do. Click here to be taken back to the glory days of 1994, when Internet was just beginning.

And while I find it amusing, I'm a little perplexed on why those folks don't do any research for their job. Seriously, if they knew that they were going to be talking about "Internet" that day at work, don't you think that they maybe should have brushed up on what the heck it was first? I mean, they're already completely morons. Do they really want to appear to be complete morons? Hmm. I guess if I look at how things turned out for them today, I guess it really doesn't matter. Nope. Doesn't matter if you're stupid, you can still get ahead in media. We're scroomed.

Kanye West's Art Film

It's his video for "Runaway," but actually contains a condensed medley of many of his songs on his recent album, My Dark Twisted Fantasy, and I think it's one of the best music videos I've seen in decades; so good, in fact, that it approaches the status of art. If you aren't among the 8 million or so people who've seen it yet imagine a cross between Liquid Sky and The Man Who Fell To Earth but with a female phoenix, ballerinas, and an African last supper. Stretching for over half an hour. It really does work, believe me....

A still from the video for "Runaway"

Late To The Party

This has been plastered all over the Internet at this point, so I feel like I'm a little late to the party on this one. Then again, being late has never stopped me before. The video below is of a guy named Ted Williams. (No, not the baseball player who had his head lopped off and frozen in some cryonics lab somewhere.) He is homeless, seemingly due to drug and alcohol problems that plagued in him the past. He claims to be two years sober and is now looking for work. What makes him different from all of the other homeless guys that accost my vehicle at the off ramps? Well, this guy actually has a marketable talent that he's hoping to let people know about so that he can find his way off of the street and back into regular life. The video is below. His talent will become obvious as soon as he opens his mouth. For some reason, folks have taken to calling him the Man With The Golden Voice. I don't know what a golden voice would sound like, but it's pretty amazing regardless.

Update on this story: The Cleveland Cavaliers have offered him a full-time job and a free house. I believe that he has accepted. Congratulations, Ted! Now get to work.

Update Part Deux: Originally, when posted on YouTube, this video had garnered over five million hits. This man's story is everywhere. Naturally, that's why the video was taken down due to a copyright claim by The Dispatch, the newspaper that broke this story (I think). What gives, Dispatch? A copyright claim? Are you serious? Wow, good thing that his story got out there before you and your copyright claims took the video down. Maybe if you had done that a little sooner, the guy would still be homeless and no one would know about him. Good idea. Thanks for nothing, Dispatch.

A Trololo Holiday Greeting

Here's a new one for you. I'm going to guess that you might be familiar with Eduard Khil, otherwise known as the Trololo (that's pronounced Tro-Lo-Lo) Man from YouTube. He's this Russian fellow who sings this song, the only words to which seem to be Tro Lo Lo. And he also appears to be very pleased with his own act while he does it. Take a gander.

Yeah, so I think that we can all agree that it's pretty flipping weird. Could it get any weirder? Oddly enough, just when you think that it can't, it absolutely can! I really don't know what to make of this, but maybe you'll have some ideas for me. This is the Gifford Children's Choir from Racine, Washington. All it says on YouTube is "Please accept this singing Christmas card from us to you. We hope it brings a smile to your face. Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!" That doesn't tell me a thing! What does it mean?! Why are they all wearing masks like they're in Sliptknot or something?! Why are they "singing" that song?! (Is it really singing if all you do is say "Tro" and "Lo" in various keys with different emphasises? Emphasese? Emphasii?) It's completely without splick. That is to say that it's inexplicable. Watch and see.

He's Mister Heat Blister

Look, it's kind of late and I'm kind of tired. I had a long day fighting with outdoor Christmas lights. I eventually won, but the lights gave me a run for my money. So, in lieu of some heartfelt mocking, I think I'm going to go with a video clip from that lovely 1974 Rankin-Bass production "The Year Without A Santa Claus". It still amuses me to this day. And that's a good thing because after a day of wrangling with a bunch of little lights that would rather stay in a tangled ball than spread out on the rooftop looking all Christmas-y, I need a little amusement.