Charlie Sheen Tattoo - LOSING!

I thought that the nation had reached its idiocy threshold simply because the Charlie Sheen "concerts" (or whatever you want to call them) have been selling out wherever it is announced that he is going to "tour" (or whatever you want to call it). Seriously. Selling out. He sold out TWO shows at Carnegie freaking Hall! I thought the answer to the old question "How do you get to Carnegie Hall" was "Practice. Practice. Practice." I guess the new answer is "Hookers. Crack. Fired from a hit TV show." But apparently the idiocy threshold was just barely cresting, as I just learned that someone has gotten themselves permanently inked with the atrocity below. Behold!

What I don't get is how anyone could have a tattoo like that AND have the word 'winning' underneath it. I think if I were the tattoo artist, when I got to that point I'd have to say, "Enough is enough."

Then What WAS The Motivation?

If you're on a quest to find who is possibly the world's worst psychiatrist (or minimally, the least observant psychiatrist), stop right now. Have I got a lead for you.

Let's go to Waterloo, Iowa and learn from the fine, fine reporting of KCRG. That's how we learn about the misdoings of a one fifty-three year-old (and obviously old enough to know better) Larry Twigg. Mr. Twigg, who is a former teacher, was arrested in February 2010 after being accused "...of having a 17-year-old student shower in chocolate syrup and play strip video games". Let's just stop right there for a minute, shall we?

I don't even think that I know what the majority of that sentence even means. You can "shower" in chocolate syrup? Like...through a shower head? A squirt bottle? It's a rather thick substance. How do you shower in it? Is that just a metaphor and they really meant just "pouring"? I don't know, but I can't spend too much time on that because I'm really scratching my head over "strip video games". What the what? I fancy myself a video game enthusiast. A connoisseur if you will. But I am rather unfamiliar with the strip video game arena. And really, while I thoroughly enjoy video games and I thoroughly enjoy what can come from stripping, the two really don't go together. How can you concentrate on both of them at the same time? You can't! They both deserve your utmost attention and probably should not even be combined.

But back to the issue at hand. So, this guy gets arrested for, in short, being a weirdo. Now he's trying to have the case dismissed because in Iowa the "...law says the offense requires that the act is done to arouse or satisfy a sexual desire." No problem, right? Wrong. See, that's because "...the psychiatrist hired by the state will offer an opinion that Twigg's acts weren't sexually motivated." Wait. What now?

Correct. You have as much information as I do. Showering at 17-year old with chocolate syrup and playing strip video games is not motivated by the need to satisfy a sexual desire. To which I must ask the seemingly obvious question: How so? That seems to be the only thing that would be motivating this sort of activity. What else could it be? A love for chocolate syrup? A fondness for the suspense filled moments of who is going to have to remove an article of clothing following a loss after an exhilarating round of Mario Kart? Could it be either of those things? Technically? Yes. Was it either of those things? Hell no.

This psychiatrist hired by the state...is on glue? I'm dying to know what in the world he thinks was the motivation behind this very, very odd, odd behavior. I would expect this sort of lunacy from a psychiatrist hired by the defense, but this guy was hired by the state. I don't get it. I really don't. But I'm open to hearing an explanation. In fact, I look forward to it. In the meantime, I'm going to go play some video games with all of my clothes on and without a drop of chocolate syrup in sight. Boring, perhaps. But legal and totally explainable.

You Never Know When...

We're friends, right? You...me....friendly, yes? Yes. I think we are. And as a friend, I am going to do you a favor. Well, it's not a favor now so much as it would have been about 60 years ago. So if you could pretend it is somewhere around 1950 that I'm helping you out with this, that would really be beneficial.

Apparently, at one point, it was seen as useful to make a charming, short, black and white film for educational purposes and show them to students in class. PSAs, or Public Service Announcements, is what they were known as. And they do just that. They provide a public service which is announced via the film. And I am here to share one of these with you. Feeling lucky? You should. Because I'm going to let you in on some very important information to which you would be wise to heed. See, you may not have been aware of it up until now, but you never know when the homosexual is about. Wait. What?

Correct. See, the the PSA below warns about the dangers of the homosexual. We "learn" vital information about the homosexual. And if you thought that it was just a stereotype that the homosexual had a pervy pencil-thin moustache, was balding and wore weird sunglasses, well, you'd be wrong! According to this depiction, that is exactly what the homosexual looks like! Watch and learn, folks!

Doggone Weird

Look, we all know that there is an awfully lot of weird stuff on the Internets. I mean, really weird stuff. There's cool stuff, too, but it's the weird stuff that really props up the Internets. Well, that and porn. Of course. But even a lot of the porn is pretty weird, too. I guess I don't have to tell you that. Where was I? Oh, yes. The weirdness. Even though there are a lot of really weird things on the Internets, I have to say that I have not encountered the type of weirdness depicted in the video below. That is, until today. Today I encountered it and I still don't know what to do with it. It's a woman and she's showing viewers how to exercise. It's unclear as to which viewers she is trying to reach, as she is also exercising with giant poodles. Oh, did I mention that she herself looks like a giant poodle? Yep. She does. And she looks like a giant poodle right down to her poofy arms and her poofy legs. Seriously, I have no idea what in the hell this is other than so bizarre I'm having trouble putting words to it. I'm open to suggestions. The video is below. It's probably the weirdest thing you'll see all day. You're welcome. I think. (Oh, and PS. I have no idea what that's a picture of. I simply Googled "weird" and that was one of the images that came up. And it is, unquestionably, weird. So I went with it.)

Something's Missing

All I know about this story here is that it feels like something isn't quite right. I don't know if I'm missing part of the story or if everyone involved is just a moron or a weirdo. I'm guessing it's probably the latter, but you never know. All I'm saying is that you don't hear about this very often. And when I say "this", I mean a guy who sought police protection from his wife who has an "insatiable sexual appetite". Uh-huh. What now?

You got it. According to The Register, a Turkish fellow "...living in Germany has asked cops to protect him from his sex-mad missus". Wait a minute. Why does it matter that he's Turkish? If they're not going to tell me how he got to Germany or if it isn't relevant in any other way, I don't care. Aside from that, however, what exactly does he mean "protect him"? Well, again referring to the article at The Register, "The bleary-eyed victim of his wife's "voracious embraces" walked into a police station in the southwestern city of Waiblingen on Tuesday to explain he'd spent four years kipping on the sofa in a vain attempt to get some shut-eye." Apparently, kipping is like a nap. I would have rather had them tell me that than that all of this took place in the southwestern city of Waiblingen. I can't wrap my head around the location of Waiblingen, but I would have completely been able to comprehend what a nap was if they had bothered to include that.

But seriously, four years? Sleeping on the sofa in an attempt to escape his wife always wanting to have sex with him? He's been married to this chick for eighteen years and they have two kids. That doesn't seem like he's always been opposed to it. There are way too many unknowns in this story for me to just choose a side.

On the one hand, it could sound as if the guy has every guys dream with his seemingly nympho of a wife there. Who would turn down a wife who is wanting sex every night? On the other hand, we know nothing about his wife. Think about it. How large is she? What's her hygiene like? Is she missing teeth? Bald or no? What sort of stuff is she into? (I'm not going to elaborate on that one. I'm going to leave it up to you as to why a humongous, fragrant, toothless, hairless woman would not exactly rev up the desires of her man.) I'm not so sure that we shouldn't be thinking that this guy is nuts and instead should be feeling sorry for him.

I still think it's weird that he's stuck around for as long as he has. I mean, four years of sleeping/napping on the sofa seems like a bit much. I am leaning toward asking the question of how long it could possibly take him to perform his marital duties. Couldn't he just fake it? Is there reverse Viagara? She's not going to be clamoring all over him if he's displaying a limp shrimp all of the time. I wonder if once he gets all caught up on his sleep if he'll start missing all of the sex. Don't get me wrong, sleep is great. Sex is better, though. Usually. But probably not with her. I think I'm done here. (But before I finish, I have to thank my friend Liz for bringing all of this German sex craziness to my attention! Nice job! Thanks!)

The Memorial Debacle

Yesterday, there was a pep rally memorial service for the victims of the shooting down in Arizona. I've gotta say that I have never seen a memorial service quite like that one. And I think I'm glad that's the case. It was, um, odd from the get go. I didn't think that you would need to remind people at a memorial service that they were there because people had died, but that might not have been such a bad idea yesterday. Seriously, who are you people?

I should have known something was not quite right when I saw the picture below that my friend Scott had posted on his Facebook page. Let's take a look.

Now, Scott didn't caption this or anything, so I was left to my own devices (which are few and far between these days) to figure out what in the world was going on. It appeared that they were getting ready for some sort of a sporting event by putting a T-shirt on each and every chair in the arena. Nope, turns out that they were getting ready for the memorial by putting a T-shirt on each and every chair in the arena. Because nothing says "We're in mourning" like a new shirt to commemorate the event. I knew that group T-shirts were popular for large family reunions, but here's to hoping that they never catch on for memorial services.

The place was packed. I mean packed. And while that surprised me, what surprised me even more was the number of cell phone cameras and regular cameras that people kept holding up to take pictures. It was beyond odd. I've been to a fair number of memorial services and I've definitely been to more than my share of funerals (it's what happens when you grow up in a family full of oldsters) and while I don't remember them all, I am fairly confident in saying that there was NO photography going on at any of them. NONE. I am also fairly confident in saying that if someone had tried to take pictures at either sort of service, one of the family members of the deceased would have either knocked the camera out of the moron's hand or just simply attacked the moron. There's no guarantee that it wouldn't have been both, but there is a guarantee that it would have been one of those.

Who does that? I don't care who you are or what the circumstance is, who does that? Who takes pictures at a memorial? I don't think that I'm alone in thinking that it is incredibly disrespectful, but if I had been in attendance, I obviously would have been in the vast minority that thought so. But if you think that taking pictures at a memorial was bad, allow me to show you that some folks thought that it was perfectly fine to bring signs to the memorial. Behold!

And then there was President Barry. I'm not blaming him for any of what went on when he was talking. He looked very uncomfortable when he walked out to speak at the memorial for several deceased individuals including a 9-year old little girl as the place went completely bonkers. People were clapping and cheering and taking pictures and hollering. It was the weirdest thing that I think I have seen in a long time. It wasn't a sporting event, you dimwits! It was a memorial! Who gives a fat rat's ass if it's President Barry coming out to speak? You don't clap and cheer! What part of that don't you understand?! He wasn't campaigning! You people were supposed to be mourning! You people were supposed to be in need of healing! You people were supposed to be aware of the circumstances that brought you to the place where the President would be speaking to you! And yet in spite of all of the things that you were supposed to be aware of, y'all still acted like a bunch of idiots. It was disgraceful is what it was.

And while I don't think that it was President Barry's "fault", I am a little bit surprised that he didn't at least frigging say something to address the inappropriate behavior by most of the crowd. I don't think that it would have been out of line at all for him to have said something to the effect of "Thank you, but let's remember that we're here to pay our respects to those who lost their lives the other day and I think it would be better if all applause was held during this ceremony for mourning." And I can't imagine why he wouldn't have said something. He did look uncomfortable, I'll give him that. But I guess that maybe it stroked his ego more than it make him feel kind of oogey.

I put a lot of thought into how I felt about this whole ordeal. At first, I was conflicted in the sense that there are some people who do not want their funeral or their wake or their memorial or whatever it is to be a somber occasion. Had that been the case in this instance, I suppose that all of the cheering (no matter how odd it may have seemed) would not have come across as reprehensible. But that wasn't the case. The people who were there who lost their family members were distraught. I don't know that I would have been able to contain myself if I had been one of them when the cheers erupted from the stands. I think I would have had to leave because I would have felt that those who were cheering were not there for the same reason that I was there and that I was clearly outnumbered. And I don't think that I would have been able to stomach being in a room with a bunch of softheads trying to get a good picture of President Barry on their cell phones while I was still completely devastated at the loss of my loved one.

I wish I could explain what in the world went on in there, but I can't. I'd really like to be able to ask those that were cheering what in the world they were cheering for and why on earth they felt it appropriate to do so in the given venue. Since it seemed to be a sporting event-like atmosphere that most of those in attendance wanted it to be like, maybe they shouldn't have put a T-shirt over every chair and instead put them inside one of the T-shirt cannons that they use at NBA games and give everyone their shirt that way. Then they could have a big wildcat mascot or something come out and do a little dance. And don't forget to send out a bunch of concessions vendors so that folks don't get hungry or parched during a memorial service. Good Lord, people. Seriously, what in the world is wrong with you? Throughout this entire ordeal it has seemed as if people's perspectives have been completely skewed. And sadly, the memorial debacle was no exception.

Focus, people! FO-CUS! For cryin' out loud...

A Trololo Holiday Greeting

Here's a new one for you. I'm going to guess that you might be familiar with Eduard Khil, otherwise known as the Trololo (that's pronounced Tro-Lo-Lo) Man from YouTube. He's this Russian fellow who sings this song, the only words to which seem to be Tro Lo Lo. And he also appears to be very pleased with his own act while he does it. Take a gander.

Yeah, so I think that we can all agree that it's pretty flipping weird. Could it get any weirder? Oddly enough, just when you think that it can't, it absolutely can! I really don't know what to make of this, but maybe you'll have some ideas for me. This is the Gifford Children's Choir from Racine, Washington. All it says on YouTube is "Please accept this singing Christmas card from us to you. We hope it brings a smile to your face. Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!" That doesn't tell me a thing! What does it mean?! Why are they all wearing masks like they're in Sliptknot or something?! Why are they "singing" that song?! (Is it really singing if all you do is say "Tro" and "Lo" in various keys with different emphasises? Emphasese? Emphasii?) It's completely without splick. That is to say that it's inexplicable. Watch and see.