Unaired But Now Unlocked!

The Super Bowl is tomorrow! And even though I am a die-hard, completely loyal, San Francisco 49ers fan, I will be watching the game. Why? Well, first of all because football is awesome. And second, watching games with good teams remind me of how football is supposed to be played. Being as how the 49ers have been in the tank for the better part of the last 15 years, I tend to forget how the game is supposed to be played if you want to win.

And as I've mentioned before, I do enjoy a good Super Bowl commercial. I still haven't quite figured out why there isn't as much effort the rest of the year put into good commercials as there is for the ones that air during the Super Bowl. It would make me much more tolerant of them, I'll tell you that. And along a common theme with the previously unaired Bud Light commercials that I discussed here, Bud Light has created another one that seems to take place in the same workplace full of Bud Light loving losers. And this one hasn't technically been released yet! Sure, you can find it on You Tube, but you have to know what you're looking for. As a card carrying member of the Bud Light Facebook page (yeah, right, like I'm not going to take an opportunity to click "Like" for Bud Light), I have been given privileged access to this new commercial. And I'm taking the opportunity to share it with you. Enjoy. And behold! (And, as always, if that doesn't work, try watching it here.)

A Lesbian, A Ferret And A Missed Connection

I've always wondered if the 'Missed Connections' section of Craigslist ever works. I mean, if you happen to bump into someone in the grocery store and you think they're hot but you're too nervous to say anything to them and so you go home and post the basics of the encounter in the 'Missed Connections' section, does anything ever become of that? I can't imagine that it would. Sure, there's the whole blind squirrel finding a nut once in a while thing (and really, all that does for me is conjure up some image of this little squirrel wearing dark glasses with a white cane), but it is even that frequent that one would find who they are looking for via Craigslist in 'Missed Connections'?

Not only do you have to use Craigslist, but the person that you're looking for also has to use Craigslist. Then they have to be able to noodle through that you are, in fact, the person that they are talking about. I guess that the more detail that the searcher puts in his post then the more of a chance that the searchee would recognize themselves in said post. I suppose that if you do that, you're not supposed to worry about what everyone else will think if you put down those details that the object of your desire would connect with.

What is all of this leading up to? Naturally, it's a post on Craigslist in the 'Missed Connections' section. This particular post is out of Cleveland. I don't know if this sort of thing is common in Cleveland or what the deal is there, but it's definitely one of a kind, I'll tell you that much. If you can figure out what has gone on in this instance, more power to you. I'm still noodling the whole thing through, myself. Here's what we have: The post is titled "Britney with the ferret - m4w (Cleveland westside)" and it reads as follows:

I feel so stupid doing this

I am the ugliest guy you ever met and old

and you are the prettiest gal I have ever met and young

I know you are a Lesbian and have a wife

I am so attracted to you with my head, heart and................... well other parts as well

please tell me your ferrets name so I know its you

Um, OK. Wait. What now? So...it's a stupid old guy trying to find a married lesbian named Britney with a pet ferret? Is that what I'm getting from this? Wow. OK. I have SO many questions, I don't even know where to start. I mean, kudos to the guy for going out on a limb like he did. That takes guts. Now here come the real questions. How does he know all of this about Britney? Did she have her ferret with her during their encounter? Was her wife there? Is he aware of what a lesbian is? Does he know there is no need for capitalization? How old is old and how ugly is ugly? Am I the only one dying to know the name of the ferret?

I have to say, I really hope that this chick gets back to him. Britney, if you're out there, contact the old and ugly guy who has a thing for you (and possibly your ferret). It would make his day. And if you don't want to contact him, how about contacting me?! I'd love to know the name of your ferret, not to mention what in the hell went on over there in Cleveland between you two! Or I could just be your go-between. I will make this work! Drop me a line!

So Gross And So Hazardous To Your Health

The FDA is now going to have more graphic warnings on cigarette packages. That's not a bad idea. You know and I know that no one reads those things. Then again, it's not like you can't figure out that smoking is bad for you. But yet, people continue to do it. I know, I know. Supposedly, quitting smoking is harder than quitting heroin. I don't know about that. I've never smoked and I've never been addicted to heroin, but it seems like a pretty strong comparison, so let's just say that quitting smoking is hard, shall we?

According to The Washington Post, the new warnings will consist of "...images that could include emaciated cancer patients, diseased organs and corpses." Nice. Apparently the new warnings will no longer be regulated to just the side of the cigarette pack. No, now they will take up "...half the front and back of each pack and 20 percent of each large ad." That's a pretty significant amount of space on each pack. And since it's on the front and the back, it's not like there's going to be any getting away from it if your pack is just lying around. It is going to be a bit imposing on ol' Joe Camel, though. (Is he still around? Dead? Lung cancer? I'm not really sure. But I've always thought that his nose looks a bit like a penis. I don't know what that has to do with making someone want to smoke or not, but it's fairly undeniable that that's what it looks like. Penis.)

Here are a few of the proposed images that the FDA is mulling over. This one shows a guy with a tracheotomy hole and he's still puffing away on a cigarette. The caption reads "WARNING: Cigarettes are addictive". Geez. Yeah, I'd say.

This one says "Warning Cigarette smoke can harm your children". What a cute little baby. How much do you want to bet that they don't use that one because it's a black baby and they don't want to be accused of being racist and saying that cigarette manufacturers are trying to kill black babies? That's what this country has come to, so don't be surprised when it happens.

And this one says "Warning: Cigarettes cause fatal lung disease." But then they have a picture of a toe tag on a corpse. How is that helping? Why not show a diseased lung inside of a dead person? That would hit it home for a lot of folks, wouldn't you say?

Most of the ones that I looked at were along these same lines. They're fairly tame. But, then again, we've become a rather soft nation, so it doesn't really surprise me, even though it does sadden me. Then I learned that other countries have been putting gross pictures on cigarette packages for years. And those other countries don't mess around with the pictures that they came up with. Holy Toledo. Let's take a gander over there at Brazil, shall we? This one starts off with "Infarto". (I think we used to call each other that on the playground in elementary school.) Then it shows a picture of a human heart in a human chest with a bunch of cigarette butts put out in it. Good Lord! That's disgusting! And that's on the pack of cigarettes that someone is going to willingly buy? Holy crap. It's a wonder anyone smokes at all having to look at that. Behold! Infarto!

Here's another one from Brazil. It appears to depict a very premature and ridiculously small little baby. It's incredibly sad. I don't understand folks who smoke when they're pregnant. I don't get it at all. Seriously, what is wrong with you people? You can't quit for the sake of your unborn kid? Oh, I'm sure you'll be a great parent. Uh-huh. Let me know how that turns out. Actually, never mind. Don't. I can already guess.


The one below, from the UK, almost caused me to hurl. It is absolutely disgusting. I don't even know what the deal is with the guy on the left, but it appears that the inside of his neck is trying to escape. As for the one on the right, I can barely look at it without cringing. I have awesome teeth and that just makes me want to vomit. It definitely does NOT make me want to smoke. Good job, UK!


Singapore heeded to my picture of a diseased lung idea from above. Here's what they did to their packs. You know, the amount of space that it takes up is stunning. It's not like you can miss that or anything. It's just gross.

And the last one that I'm going to include is NOT for the faint of heart. Holy canoli, I can't imagine why anyone would ever think of starting to smoke if they had seen something like this first. Seriously. Behold! The dangers of smoking!
Wow. Really? Gangrene? I didn't know that smoking could cause gangrene? How does that work? Well, it's not good, whatever the situation. Smoking. Is there anything in your body it can't ruin? Apparently not. I don't know if stuff like this is going to do much for the person who has been smoking a long time. It might help for those who haven't been smoking for very long. I'm really hoping that it helps those who haven't even started yet. Make sure kids see stuff like this often as soon as they're of age to get it. Why would you want to start after seeing in graphic detail what it can do to you?