Ridiculous Things I Read About Today

Wow. I read a bunch of ridiculous things today and now I must share.

I was reading about Barry Bonds' upcoming trial for perjury. The perjury charges (and there are ten of them) stem from his telling a grand jury back in December of 2003 that "he never knowingly took steroids." Yeah, right. Did you see Barry Bonds back then? He was a mammoth. Of course he took steroids. Everyone in baseball took steroids and he was no exception. His arms were gigantic. His trained testified that at one point, he had to order new hats for Barry because his head was bigger. I don't know about you, but I don't know of many adult males whose head suddenly starts to grow if they are not on steroids.

But all of that isn't my point. My point is what I read in an article over at the Huffington Post. The article was talking about the hearing on Friday and it said, "Dressed in a dark suit and slimmed down from his San Francisco Giants playing days...." That's all you need to know. Gee, I wonder WHY he was all slimmed down? Could it be that there isn't any reason for him to take steroids any more? Yeah, that's a tough one to noodle through. Man, I hope they find him guilty. I know that there were a lot of players that roided up during the 1990s. But Barry is so smug about it. AND he did a lot of damage to the game by going on the juice. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Can't wait to see how that one turns out.

And then there's Nadya Suleman. Man, I have had about enough of her to last a lifetime. She was on Oprah the other day along with Suze Orman. You know who Suze Orman is, right? She's that attractive lesbian woman who gives sound financial advice in a rather obnoxious manner. She was on there to go through Octomom's finances. I don't know why they needed Suze Orman for that. I could have told you that she's broke. But in the discussion of her finances, Suze Orman asked Octomom if, back before she had herself impregnated with enough embryos to fill a gumball machine, she knew then what she knows now, would she have had the extra eight children. (Please remember that at the time that she pulled this completely inexcusable and utterly insane stunt, she already had six kids which she had no means of supporting. Oh, and of course there has never been a father in the picture.) It took her forever to answer the question, but she finally came out and said that if she had known then what she knew now that she would not have gone ahead with trying to have a litter of children. OK, what now?

What, exactly, is it that she knows now that she didn't know then? Let's see....she didn't have a husband then and she certainly wasn't going to get one in the near future. She didn't have a way to support herself and her six kids back then and she certainly wasn't going to be able to in the near future. How could she have not foreseen that this was going to turn out badly?! She now has fourteen children. What does it cost the taxpayer to pay for those fourteen children? And how much is it going to cost the taxpayer when they're over eighteen and end up in jail or, for the girls, knocked up themselves? Oh, come on! You think that those kids are going to grow up and be just fine? I doubt it. I'd love to be wrong, but I doubt it.

And finally, let's just wrap this up with the guy who is quickly shaping up to be the D-Bag of the year, Jesse James. As you may or may not care to recall, Mr. James was married to the ridiculously attractive Sandra Bullock and decided that it would be a good idea to cheat on her with at least one (but more like six) heavily tattooed skank(s). Mr. James has recently become engaged to another be-tatted woman, Kat Von D. In regard to this new found bliss, he says, " 2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs." Yeah, the world can be a fickle bitch when you cheat on a beloved (and super hot) public figure like the delicious Ms. Bullock. What a maroon. I'm guessing that Sandra Bullock would probably express different sentiments about how her 2010 went. Oh, but that wasn't the best thing that he said. This serial cheater actually had the stones to say "Growing old with her is going to be a f****** blast!"

Right. Like the two of you are going to stay married long enough to grow old together. You guys won't even be married long enough to buy a new couch, let alone to grow old together. I'm pretty sure that a gallon of milk could last longer than your eternal bond is going to. And while I find his statements absolutely vacuous, I'm almost more amused at Kat Von D for agreeing to marry this dirtbag. You think that you're different, do you, cupcake? You think that y'all were meant for each other? You think that he isn't currently cheating on you? You must have answered yes to all of those semi-rhetorical questions, as you're actually going to marry him. Wow. Good luck with that.

And those are the ridiculous going-ons that I read about today. What about you? Got anything good for me?